CNN News Channel
Covers Haitian Earthquake Around the Clock: No Other News to Report on in the World
(Port au Prince, Haiti) January 2010
Yech! Was this country always so gross or did God's vengeful hand make it this nasty
in one day? When the TWSEN editor said he was sending me to Port au Prince, I thought I
was going to Quebec or at the worst, maybe to France. But not to Haiti?
It's totally humid here and my hair curled up as soon as I climbed off of the C-130
military cargo plane and stepped onto the tarmac. I understand that they had an earthquake
or tidal wave or something, but when did it happen? I think I arrived late for this
story because everything here is junk. There aren't even any shops to loot.
Boooring.
What does it say about your status as a first rate Third World Nation when you don't even
have a thriving sweat shop industry? Where are all the good deals on designer
clothes and the hoards of child laborers feverishly toiling away with tiny hands to keep
me in the latest fashions at the cheapest prices? Is this the Dominican Republic? Am
I on the wrong side of the island? This looks like that island King Kong came from
but without that skull shaped mountain and with lots more piles of trash.
So after we finish sending all our guilt ridden international aid to this place, I think
we should donate some used garbage trucks and outsource some garbage men from Cuba. I
guess the earthquake like just happened right before I got here, but what excuse of a
disaster knocked out their curbside trash pick-up like a hundred years ago? Why don't
they just dump their garbage into the ocean like normal people?
Take some pride in your tin sheet hovel and sweep it out once in awhile. Pick up those
diapers. Pile up all those tires that are laying around and light them on fire. Do I
have to think of everything myself? I give up. There isn't anything new to report
here. I can't tell what was ruined by this earthquake everyone won't shut up about and
what was destroyed by years of military infighting and coup attempts or simply fell apart
from corrupt government neglect or was trashed by one of their weekly hurricanes.
So if our editor wants to know anything new about Haiti, he can just turn on the CNN cable
news channel. CNN has more reporters here than there are Red Cross workers. I'm
not kidding, their news crew alone accounts for a quarter of all the emergency water
consumed here daily.
Seriously, what did I do to deserve this misery? I am so on the next flight
back to Los Angeles and it better not be seven hours spent with a bunch of Corporal Von
Bock's Army buddies ogling me during the entire flight again like on the way here.
So I want air conditioning and a martini because this assignment has traumatized me BW, do
you hear me? Hello? Hey! OMG i dont think they even have texting here :0
-Steffi Panzer, Hollywood News Correspondent
CNN Immediately Withdraws Reporters from Haiti, Relocates
Entire News Staff to Earthquake in Chili
(Concepcion,
Chili) March 2010
What a hassle. I was totally getting ready for the Academy parties this week and I get
sent to Chili. For God's sake, I just got back from Haiti, how much more can I report
on earthquakes? The plate shifts, buildings fall down, look it up. So I live
in LA, it doesn't make me like your personal seismologist.
However, at least Santiago is nicer than my last earthquake
assignment..what a relief. Blow money has really built this place up. The hotels and
night clubs rock in Chili! Much like the 8.8 quake rocked much of Chili. It is
though sort of peligroso aqui Ed, y no quiero to be like sequestra express down here, so
send The Dan Ryan or Moops to meet up with me, okay? Hello? Hey!
OMG i don't think they have texting here either :0
-Steffi
Panzer, Hollywood News Correspondent
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Australian
Credit and Debit Card Policies: The US Government Wants You to Pay a Fee To Spend Your Own
Money
(Washington DC, USA) June 2010
Again, Americans hard-earned money is at the mercy of the wisdom of law makers in Congress
who are proposing a bill that will transfer the obligation of paying credit card and debit
card fees from the merchant to the consumer. The idea that a
customer will have to pay the transactional costs associated with their purchases is
outrageous, especially in this economy where consumers are finding every excuse not to
spend any of their income anyway.
Retailers and merchants currently pay the MasterCard and Visa fees for
the privilege of offering fast and convenient sales to their patrons. It saves the
customer the trouble of hauling around large amounts of cash, the store from having to
safeguard large amounts of cash and very importantly, the use of credit and debit cards
stimulates impulse purchases.
Historically, this has worked well for stores that accept credit and
debit cards for sales, as many patrons will steer themselves towards merchants who display
the Visa and MasterCard logos as a sign that these are reputable businesses. That's
what the merchants pay for. We don't need to pay you to take our money. It's
supposed to be the other way around.
When Australian lawmakers forced through the same legislation on their
citizens six years ago, it saddled debit card and credit card customers with nearly half a
billion dollars in extra fees the very first year. This may not be taxation without
representation, but it certainly is undeserved expenditures without
representation. Write to your senators and congressional representatives and let them
know how unfair you feel this bill would be. Urge them to vote against it or you won't
make any political contributions to them this year because you are saving on credit card
fees.
--BW Schulz, Editor in Chief
Drilling Drinking Water Wells Begins in
Uzbekastan
(Remote Region, No GPS Signal) January 2010
We are currently looking for qualified volunteers who want to fly to Southwest Asia and
drill some...water wells to help quench the local rebels thirsts. Applicants must
have working knowledge of explosive materials and timers for blowing up water wells in
Al-Quida held territories.
 --Sr.
Trabajando, Central American Correspondent (Not CIA)
Mr. Moops to Visit that Hottie Queen of
Jordan in March 2010 For Interview
 --M.Moops, Mid
Eastern Bureau Chief
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