Nazis Provide Plenty of Drama and
Laughs in the latest Quentin Tarantino Film: Inglourious Basterds - Story
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Nazis Provide Plenty of Drama and Laughs in the latest Quentin Tarantino Film: Inglourious
Basterds
(Munich, Germany,) January 2010
Skip the rental or pay per view and just buy the film Inglourious Basterds on DVD. Forget
the extra feature version, the standard DVD movie can be had for less than $20(US.) And
its worth it. A central character, Christoph Waltz, deserves Golden Globe and Academy
Award nominations for his portrayal of an SS officer, Colonel Hans Landa opposite Pitt's
character, the backwoods Tennessee soldier, LT. Raines who is the leader of an insurgent
squad of Nazi killing, hell bent soldiers willing to die for their mission to end the
Third Reich. And Tarantino knows that those wacky Nazis and Das Fuhrer are always good for
plenty of laughs. As Col. Landa puts it, "That's a Bingo! What fun!"
So to SS and Gestapo
officers, beware, Brad Pitt's character leads a team of Jewish American soldiers on a
twisted mission through Nazi occupied France. And with each attack, the horribly drunk
with power Nazis suffer in the wake of reliably violent Tarantino scripted ambushes which
demoralize the Germans using the savagery of tactics from the colonial French and Indian
wars. It's quite satisfying to see revenge dished out by Lieutenant Aldo Raines and
his fiercely dedicated Jewish American cohorts and their German wild card soldier, Hugo
Stiglitz.
Further, the writing of
the dialogue is superb, particularly the way SS officers make their victims and the
audience squirm with their evil innuendoes, thinly veiled, but clever and subtle
threats. If you really want to blow your mind, turn on the Spanish
subtitles on the DVD, which will translate for you throughout Tarantino's film four
languages: English, French, German, and even some brief Italian. It's a crash course
in how most of the world, particularly Europe lives and speaks.
As I travel Europe, I never speak English except in the UK, where I heard a humorous and
poignant joke:
"What do you call
someone who speaks three languages?"
- "Trilingual?"
"Yes. And what do you call a person who speaks just two languages?"
- "Bilingual?"
"Correct. And what do you call someone who can only speak one language, and poorly at
that?"
- "I don't know? What?"
"An American..Ha..Ha..Ha! "
This is a point well taken for all the boorish, ugly Americans who
trample as tourists on foreign soil barking out demands in loud obnoxious Yankee whoops
while overseas. Do your country and yourself a favor: Buy some copies of Rosetta Stone and
get with the program. The world is rich in linguistics and Americans are way behind
the curve. Inglourious Basterds is dialogue driven; the tension in the movie is a direct
result. Ignorant of other languages some critics, even Time magazine, pegged it
incorrectly as a "foreign film."
As Pitt's character says in the final line, that "..this might be my masterpiece..,"
I think however that he states this fact not so much about his acquired skill at carving
swastikas into the foreheads of Nazi henchmen with his bowie knife, but of rather in
regard to Taratino's skill with the pen and camera to assemble a truly great film that
ends the last World War on a high and
satisfying note.
- Steffi Panzer, Hollywood News Correspondent
Broward County Florida Deputies Advance Civil Rights Violations
( West Park, FL, USA) September 2009
There's a television commercial promoting a "reality" show on the cable channel
TLC, The Police Women of Broward County.
The promotion for the show in its
reoccurring advertisements feature Florida female police officers, some of them
attractive, relatively speaking, slamming people to the ground, harassing citizens and
bragging about the use of excessive force.
One Broward County Deputy, our unnamed attorney general
source in Florida reports, said that in her Sheriff Department's approved sound-bite for
the television commercials for the Police Women of Broward County that repeatedly air on
the TLC and Discovery channels, that the Sheriff's Deputy, Andrea, says "There's
always a good time to use a Taser."
So throw negotiation aside, forget about trying to calm a
yet to be proven guilty suspect, simply take them down, just electrocute them because
quote, it's always a good time to use a Taser.
Occasionally I have one of our production assistants hit me
with 300,000 volts from a hand-held Panther© Stun Gun, in order to keep me sharp. I'm
pretty good at resisting it now and body slamming the PA who did it, smashing my forehead
into their nose. On the street however, where The Law should prevail as a stabilizing
element, Tasers are an outright example of police brutality and a clear case of excessive
force when the hot headed or weak cops are afraid of the repercussions of firing a pistol
round into your chest, based on your profile.
The voltage, which always has a good time to use, is
extreme, if you don't practice taking on that many volts on a regular basis. But the
Broward County Deputy Andrea is poised and ready to send hundreds of thousands of volts
through a barely resistant suspect, boasting that it is always a good time to use a Taser.
What is next in her chain of force? A Rodney King style beating with batons?
The TWSEN sent an email to the Broward County Sheriff, Al
Lamberti, to Ask_the_sheriff@sheriff.org about his Police Departments official policy on
the use of excessive force, but with no answer. I think our email message ended up
in the Sheriff's Junk mail folder or Recycle bin because The Wall Street Edge has yet to
receive a response on Taser usage by police forces in Broward County, Florida.
What disguises as entertainment is actually SS jack-boot
brutality policies. The audience thinks its funny and engaging, but what really is
happening is another case of the erosion of our Civil Rights, this time on TLC by Florida
Gestapo officers.
It's not funny, nor amusing, it symbolizes the Police
mentality of the Us versus Them. They aren't here to protect and serve anymore; the people
who staff these positions are military flunk outs, or too scared to enlist in the armed
forces for combat, so they become state sanctioned bullies and sadists. I'm guessing
that the police women of Broward County, within twenty years will have failed marriages,
substance abuse problems, or that one or more of these hot-heads are involved in
automobile accidents.
 --The Dan Ryan, News
Correspondent
Mr. Moops Meets with CNBC Reporters: Exclusive Interview with TWSE News
(New York, New York) October 2009
 --Mr.
Moops, Esq., News Correspondent
Editor: Thanks for joining us today Mr. Moops, you had a chance to meet with the
cast of CNBC. Can you tell our readers about what you learned from their advice and
experiences?
M.Moops: No, not really. No.. I can't. I just said that to get an interview on
TWSEN.
Ed: So you didn't meet
or interview with any of the staff?
MM: No, not
really, I didn't.
Ed: Why then are we
having an interview with you on you interviewing the CNBC staff?
MM: Edward..Ed,
let's be realistic. Your reporting at TWSEN is, well, how can I say it? It has its
shortfalls. So would you like to continue the interview?
Ed: Absolutely.
Tell us about meeting the CNBC staff.
MM: Great, we'll
start with Becky Quick. She alone is worth buying a new alarm clock. When it's 5:23 AM EST
and you've been up all night doing catnip and analyzing stock charts, she can tell you
about the crashed Asian markets and the wild pistol to your head margin calls that you
have due in a few hours and make you feel good about it Believe me, there's nothing
that I ever want quickly from Quick. She's like a Girl Gone Wild coed that happened to
never get filmed.. and has an incredible financial brain.
Ed: Fascinating.
MM: That Becky has
a brain?
Ed: No, on what
you said...
MM: Ed, seriously,
you're distracting me from the TWSEN interview and wasting my time. I'd like to stay
on track because I have a flight to catch for a lead-paint company IPO in Hong Kong
tonight, tomorrow, whatever god damn day it is there, so get your questions done, Ed.
Ed: Okay, Mr.
Moops. How about Maria Bartiromo? Joe Kernen? Rick Santelli? Mark Haines? Larry Kudlow?
David Faber? What did they say in your interview?
MM: Whoah, slow
down Professor, I'm going to get to everyone on the CNBC staff. For example, I like
Mr. Haines; he reminds me of mien fuder, who would constantly tell me to stop spending all
my money on cheap liquor and girls and invest it stock and bonds. He is a champion of
controlled spending, savings, and investing.
Ed. Hmmm. What is
your opinion on Erin Burnett?
MM: We agreed that
this was off limits Ed and now this interview is concluded! You know damn well there is a
PETA restraining order against me for jumping on top of her head and kneading around in
that thick beautiful mane..
Ed. Wow, I apologize Mr.
Moops. Can we invite you back to TWSEN for another report on your interview with the staff
at CNBC?
MM: Yeah..alright,
Ed. I tell you what, you email my assistant a good time for a follow up interview
and my staff will try to find a place for you in my packed schedule because after Hong
Kong I have a barely cacheable flight to Antwerp to negotiate a cheap bid on a rough batch
of blood diamonds from Sierra Leone.
Ed: That sounds great.
Thank you for your time, Mr. Moops.
MM: Auf Wiedersehen,
Editor.
---Cont'd later---
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Digital
Television Instantly Confirms Ratings: Jay Leno is not Funny, Ruined the Tonight Show and
he Sucks
(Dublin, Ireland) January 2010
Hello fans and readers, the Dan Ryan is back. Well, not totally
back, not technically. I am not on site yet at our news office, I sent this article into
the TWSEN using the Marriott Dublin's fax machine. You'll know that I am officially back
from my bogus suspension when I kick the shit out of the editor in chief. Yeah
that's right, BW, watch out in the parking structure at night bloke. But I digress,
so now to the main story, which the Dan Ryan first wrote about
during the script writers strike over a year and a half ago at The Wall Street Edge.
Avid readers will remember my article. I wrote that during the writer's guild strike how
could late night "comedy" shows like Leno's in particular go off the air so
quickly? Aren't the hosts of those shows supposed to be writers and comedians?
Apparently not. Clowns like Leno are not capable of producing enough humorous material
that appeals to the late night audiences to keep them awake or tuned in to NBC past one
single commercial break.
As in my 2008 article where the Dan Ryan personally volunteered
to scab write for Leno's show, and stomp the striking writer's heads in, for no cost, the
Dan Ryan also pointed out that Jay Leno is a hack comedian; he's not even
mildly original with his material, that he is in fact the embodiment of the Anticomic here
on earth. Leno is an untalented version of an unfunny Henny Youngman; he reuses worn out
one liners with a drum beat as his punch line, but can't progress much beyond that.
The majority of Leno's routine for almost a decade went as followed: Leno walked on stage,
said "How about that George Bush?" and then the hillbilly audience that was
visiting Los Angeles and got suckered into free tickets to his Burbank studio would follow
on que with whoops and clapping and monkeylike noises. When the fake laughing stopped,
Leno would rephrase his tired routine with, "What about the President
yesterday?" and it would be again followed with hillbilly whoops and more monkey
noises.
The executives at NBC apparently never sat in the crowd or even bothered to tune in
themselves so they never knew how bad Jay Leno sucked and the executive geniuses who chose
Leno to replace Johnny Carson (..remember him? I met Johnny once in Palm Springs and he
was both likeable and naturally spontaneously funny..) should be shit canned. Jay Leno is
either unable or unwilling, likely both, to make any clever or witty political jokes about
his beloved liberal Democrats in the current Administration so that he can entertain his
retarded late night audience, and now that we All have digital television, they
can tell exactly in real time what people are actually watching - and they're not watching
Leno. In fact he is scaring viewers away.
Viewers hear his tired opening monologue and go running to anything else for relief
from the tension, even an infomercial or an A&E Biography on Yakov Smirnoff will do.
So now without a Republican President to endlessly bash with recycled "take my wife
please" styled jokes, and lacking any real comedic talent, digital television finally
confirmed what audiences knew all along and the NBC executives were in denial of: that the
leftist, pacifist, untalented carnival grade gag man, Jay Leno, is poor for their ratings.
In my humble Irish opinion, which you can listen to or fuck off, is to promote Conan
O'Brien to a better and more prominent position in NBC's struggling late night show line
up before their whole late night television slot collapses into Oxyclean ads.
--The Dan
Ryan, News CorrespondentThe E! Channel
Officially Renames Itself the Dead Michael Jackson Channel
(Yemen & Los
Angeles) September 2009
Take an Oxycoton, tune in, and drop dead. The mildly interesting Entertainment Cable
Network Channel, E! has now become overrun with non-stop stories of the weird and twisted
life of Michael Jackson. Even in the middle of the night viewers get no reprieve from the
producers new found theme; even paid-programming has had to yield to running and
re-running the same boring, remixed, commercial laden pseudo-news stories about Jackson.
What do we have to do to get some new programming to air on E? Throw Blanket out of a
Berlin hotel window? Or are there any other celebrity non-convicted pedophiles who are
close to death after 50 plus plastic surgeries that can supplant this redundant, morbid
programming schedule that now is the mainstay on E? Clearly, if it weren't for all of
those out of court child molestation lawsuit settlements, this plastisized dead pop-star
would have wanted these documentaries to run non-stop on the Disney Channel, in order to
touch, or rather, we mean reach, his under age audience.
-Steffi Panzer, Hollywood News Correspondent
This Article Pulled because the movie
sucked so bad we can't even comment on it.
The film was called Valkerie and they needed to hire some fucking
dialect coaches. We couldn't tell if Cruise was a German Officer or a Race Car
Driver. --ed.
Television for Cats: What Your
Pets Are Watching While You're Not Home or What to Watch While You're at Home
(Frankfurt, Germany, EU ) March 2010
This is my personal collection of the Best Movies ever. Like Howard Hughes, I watch the
same films over and over again, hundreds of times, even scores of a time in a row, for
days on end. Still, my long term memory of television and movies doesn't work properly, so
each time I watch a film it's as exciting as the first. That is, except for movies
that stink. I remember their titles. Valkerie sucked, for example. I
don't remember it, I just remember not to watch it again or buy it.
Now, meow, given that the blokes at Interpol and the Yanks at the FBI think they are so
gooood at profiling cool cats, and since I soooo don't care, I'm listing all of the DVD's
in my private collection, for Your Divine Judgement.
They are listed in order of frequently watched on top in descending order to the least
watched, because they are stacked like a giant DVD Jenga game, and pulling a disk out from
the bottom of the pile takes skill. Thus the movies I watch the most continue to
sift to the top, while others drift to the bottom as the fall out of interest for the time
being at least. So profile away, and check them out, if you watch all these, you
will understand popular culture and America in it's entirety, I guarantee it. Unlike
most cowards, the list of movies, nor their order has been altered in anyway, so go ahead
and run these titles past your behavior psychologists at Scotland Yard:
Fight
Club Inglourious Basterds Borat
Talledaga Nights Snatch
Stranger than Fiction Catch Me if You Can Titanic
The Nazi War Machine
Downfall Munich Soylent Green Saving Private
Ryan GoodFellas Fargo
Slaughterhouse Five Primer All Quiet on the Western Front
Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Godfather Part II
Layer Cake American Drug War Sexy Beast Schindler's
List Road to Perdition Vanilla Sky Blade Runner The
Brady Bunch Movie Enemy at The Gates Office Space Platoon
Godfather Part I Mulholland Dr. Wall Street
Left Behind The Thin Red Line Six Days in June
Hamburger Hill Taxi Driver The Patriot Caddyshack
--Mr. Moops, Esq.,
The
Dan Ryan Launches a Legal Injunction to Stop Kevin Spacey in Upcoming TWSE News Movie
(Hollywood,CA, USA) October 2009
Do you think you have the right... the godamn right to represent the Dan Ryan
in the upcoming TWSEN movie ?. I have inside information from a cat source that you are in
secret acting negotiations where my agents and attorneys are not present. I'll kick your
ass right now Kevin Kansas City on the corner of Michigan and Rush Streets. Right
now big man. Bring it on The Dan Ryan. That is unless I get film-rights-revenue residuals,
then everything is cool in the school. Kevin the Spacey, the man. Right on.
Now return my attorney's phone calls and this whole misunderstanding will end.
--The Dan Ryan, News
Correspondent
Kevin
Spacey Slated to Play The Dan Ryan in Upcoming TWSEN News Movie
(Hollywood,CA, USA) October 2009
Entertainment attorneys and talent agents have been working around the clock to hammer out
the final details in Spacey's contract to play the Dan Ryan in
the upcoming TWSEN movie about an ex Chicago street thug who works to escape the mean
streets by becoming a broadcast journalist. Actually none of that is true. You
need to put on a pot of coffee and drink it. You're getting your news from a cat.
--Mr.
Moops, Esq., News Correspondent
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