President Obama Orders The Out of Control Drug Enforcement Administration To Concentrate Less on Soft Drug Targets
(Oakland, CA) December 2009
In a bold move to reign in para-military DEA attack squads operating in some 14 states that allow for the medical use of marijuana, The President expressed his commitment for agents to stop battering down the doors of advanced HIV and cancer patient's homes and refocus these budget and time wasting efforts on more severe drug threats from cocaine, heroin, and methamphetamine dealers.

This Oval Office directive reinforces the first year in office President's desire to stop body armor covered agents from swarming upon Americans who are battling potentially life-threatening diseases has been received well by the national public, advocates of states rights, and medical officials.

A source in the DEA, who wishes her name not be used, said that agents will have to receive some retraining in order to tackle hardened criminal drug traffickers as most had become accustomed to plowing over frail, ill patients while they were armed with sub-machine guns, throwing stun grenades and dressed head to foot in ballistic-resistant military-grade gear.  "Knocking an assault rifle out of someone's hands is not as easy as a walking cane is.." the DEA source said. Adding that "..it will take some changes in our approach from smashing into elderly cancer patient's homes to raiding potentially explosive, biohazardous methamphetamine labs that I heard might have mean people inside them."

--M.Moops, Esq. White House Correspondent

No Probable Cause For Traffic Stops Needed any Longer
Wisconsin Seat Belt Laws
(Madison, WI, USA)  - August 2009
I often say people can not remember back more than twenty years worth of history. In the US, as is our practice to ignore and isolate our elders in retirement homes, the lack of recall of history extends even further as knowledge from previous generations is not readily passed along.  A case in point is the war in Iraq.  To be sure everyone who has died fighting there, some of them my friends, is tragic. 

But the casualty figures when compared to previous conflicts is very, very low.  Every loss of American life in conflicts is a deep pain to the families of these service men and women.  But compare the total war deaths in Iraq to say World war II.  During WW II, 1000 soldiers were killed a week.  A week.  That would be equal to what, 4 weeks in WW II equals the deaths in Iraq over 5 plus years.  I will leave war casualties and opinions to our war correspondent though.  The point is, how easily we forget.

In 1988, a political debate was fought with opposition around 1988 about mandatory seat belt laws in many states, including the mid-western state, Wisconsin. Proponents of the bill said it would save lives.  Opponents said it would be a tool for a police state to pull over innocent drivers.  The backers of the bill promised that not wearing a seatbelt would not be used as a reason to stop a motor vehicle by our jack-booted police forces.

But now, 21 years later, after the law passed, and memories forgotten of the original fears of the seat belt bill being abused by police, Wisconsin has now empowered its Gestapo police forces to pull over motorists who the police think they saw driving without a seatbelt. 

So now, with no probable cause, the SS can stop your vehicle and say you didn't have your belt on.  Often, to the SS police officers glee, they can escalate the traffic stop to more serious charges.  What is disturbing though, is what an ambiguous reason to pull over motorists has been handed to our fascist police forces.  What about older cars, vintage vehicles with lapbelts?  Should we pull them all over and search them for drugs and run the driver and passengers for warrants?

This I can't see your seat belt pull over law  is the very definition of lack of probable cause in traffic stops.  Couple it with racial profiling and the fascists have a powerful tool in their hands.  Here's the 411, as they say, the public hates the police more and more everyday.  They refuse to cooperate, they laugh when they hear on the news that one has been shot; they think they deserve what they are dishing out.

If we keep allowing our rights to be eroded, I'm afraid more and more elements of society are going to become isolated from the ever growing, imposing police state government.  I can't wait to see what happens when hundreds of thousands of unemployed soldiers pulled out of Iraq enter this Depression #2 job market.  Sieg Heil Wisconsin, I hope the seat belt law saves more lives than it ruins. SS Police, you'd better wear your BPV's on every shift. More and more moderate middle class citizens are alienated from the police by these tactics everyday.
  --The Dan Ryan, News Correspondent

Steffi Panzer Interviews President
      
        
"Hello? Mr. President? Yes, I was wondering where the 2 million jobs were at that you promised during your election campaign?  Yes sir, I saw the jobless report from May 15th. No sir, the US didn't Add 450,000 jobs Mr. President, it Lost 450,000 last month.  ..So you're looking into it? That would be great.. Okay, bye, bye. You too, Mr. President, thank you. Sir? oh yeah.. Yes, I did receive Mr. Clinton's text."

Angry Election Ballot Slogan Stirs up More Objections than Voters
(Milwaukee, Wisconsin)  August 2010

A woman running for a seat in the Milwaukee Assembly has come up with a catchy phrase that she thought would rally voters behind her bid for election. Though the slogan was rejected by election officials and will not appear below her name on the election ballot, it did generate more press coverage than her poorly supported campaign could ever have afforded.

Ieshuh Griffin, a sometimes controversial figure in city politics, unbelievably submitted for her 5-word-limit slogan, "NOT the whiteman's bitch" to election officials! An unidentified source claiming inside knowledge of the independent candidate's election campaign, told an unnamed TWSE News source that they had also considered other possible phrases like " *****  ***** white people" and "I aint no ******* ****** " before finally settling on the clever "NOT the whiteman's bitch" election catch phrase. 

Griffin claims her message was not intended to be in poor taste and was not meant to offend any specific demographic groups of people, yet that sounds like typical political nonsense to Milwaukee voters from someone who is not even in office yet!  For many city residents, especially in the political community, Griffin's choice of words comes across as a bit hostile and indicates the possibility of a difficult Assembly person to work with if she were elected.

TWSE News plans on following the developments in this election campaign, because in the spirit of the right to free speech that Griffin has touted over and over again in her back peddling since election officials rejected the slogan and she was met with heavily outspoken public criticism, we should similarly say that TWSE News is "NOT the angry blackwoman's bitch."  However, having said that, one very important point to note Ieshuh, we're a satirical online newspaper, not the ones running for public office.. 
BW Schulz - Editor in Chief

The American Legion Memberships Continue To Decline: Killed in InAction
(Washington DC, USA)  May 2010
The American Legion is a long-time advocate of Veterans rights and blah blah blah, our source at the VA has put her career on the line by revealing shocking statistics behind the impending collapse of this organization for this TWSEN story. Ironically she first noted that World War II veterans are dying at the rate of approximately 1000 a week, the same rate that they died at during the War ! Unfortunately today's veterans see the Legion for what it is, a groaning, moaning shell of it's former self.  And those stupid french fry cook hats!  We all hated our flat folded dress uniform hats while we were in the service, so why would we want to wear them now?  Try switching to baseball caps in order to give us some shred of self respect.  Today's veterans also rightly have a what have you done for me lately attitude about their memberships.  No one helps you get a job there, they don't help with finding affordable housing when you finally get discharged.  No, all the Legionnaires do is sit around chain smoking at those posts where the bar tender is like a hundred and everyone has assigned bar stools since the Inchon landing.  And talk about cliques.  They are worse than a bunch of teenage girls.  If you didn't kill any Germans they treat you like you haven't killed anyone!  Damn that's insulting.  So it's no surprise if you stop by a post to play bingo that you won't see any desert camouflage there, I don't think they even know which wars are going on anymore.
--CPL. Von Bock, War Correspondent


                                

President Obama Urges The Out of Control Drug Enforcement Administration To Concentrate Less on Soft Drug Targets
(Oakland, CA) December 2009
In a bold move to reign in para-military DEA attack squads operating in some 14 states that allow for the medical use of marijuana, The President expressed his commitment for agents to stop battering down the doors of advanced HIV and cancer patient's homes and refocus these budget and time wasting efforts on more severe drug threats from cocaine, heroin, and methamphetamine dealers.

This Oval Office directive reinforces the first year in office President's desire to stop body armor covered agents from swarming upon Americans who are battling potentially life-threatening diseases has been received well by the national public, advocates of states rights, and medical officials.

A source in the DEA, who wishes her name not be used, said that agents will have to receive some retraining in order to tackle hardened criminal drug traffickers as most had become accustomed to plowing over frail, ill patients while they were armed with sub-machine guns, throwing stun grenades and dressed head to foot in ballistic-resistant military-grade gear.  "Knocking an assault rifle out of someone's hands is not as easy as a walking cane is.." the DEA source said. Adding that "..it will take some changes in our approach from smashing into elderly cancer patient's homes to raiding potentially explosive, biohazardous methamphetamine labs that I heard might have mean people inside them."

--M.Moops, Esq. White House Correspondent

United States Withdraws Ground Troops From Vietnam, People's Republic of
(Din Bin Phu)
Shocking but true, it looks like we lost this one folks, so we withdrew in 1974, yes 1974.. The Democrats Started it and The Republicans Ended it. The only difference, The Republicans let our guys carry live ammunition and bomb actual military hard targets in Hanoi, Laos, and Cambodia. 

Follow up story: Hippy dies of heart attack after learning he blamed the wrong political party for 50,000 US troops killed in action.
  --CPL. Von Bock, War Correspondent