Dell Computer Call Center Customer Service Representatives
Microsoft Certified Systems Engineers
(Mohali, India) - March
2010
Hundreds of thousands of immediate openings available! Job requirements include ability to
speak semi-understandable or broken English. Years of devoted and unappreciated experience
in the US Information Technology field a must. Current MCSE or MCSA certifications a plus.
Relocation required to the Punjab Province. Competitive pay - $7.50 to $8.50 per hour
based on past earnings of $55,000 to $67,000 annual salary in the US. Company paid Tetanus
shots. No calls please. Fax your Resume and documentation of the huge cost to you for your
Technology degree and technical certifications. Former Dell Computer employees and
consultants who were fired by greedy corporation outsourcing jobs overseas preferred.
The Wall Street Edge Suspends The Wall Street Edge Reporter The Dan
Ryan After Annual 2010 Employee Reviews
(New York, New York) January 2010
The Editor in Chief, BW Schulz placed The Dan Ryan on paid
suspension after an annual employee review. The Dan Ryan,
whose office infractions included spilling half a bottle of single malt scotch whiskey on
his laptop computer and replacing all of the staff's energy drinks and sodas with
self-carbonating pint cans of Guinness beers when it was his week to restock the employee
lunchroom refrigerator, has been placed on a harsh administrative leave.
The Wall
Street Edge was unable to reach The Wall Street Edge reporter for comment. BW
Schulz, chief editor, has also launched a review of The Dan Ryan's
articles for further fact checking and issued a retraction on some of the controversial
reporter's rants. The Dan Ryan, whose unbreakable contract is
signed for three years and until the Mayan calendar ends the current world civilization in
a total global catastrophe, or which ever occurs first.
Tracing cashed payroll checks, sources indicate that the reporter is on a wild, brawling
Bushmill's scotch bender in Ireland, which has no extradition treaty with the United
States. BW Schulz, in an official internal Wall Street Edge memo leaked to Wall
Street Edge sources, reportedly wrote that "The Wall Street Edge News owes
apologies to 'just about every category' of our readers who found some of The
Dan Ryan's articles possibly offensive, reckless, or both."
Schulz, after tapping a cold pint of the black stuff, commented, "We run a tight ship
around here and our journalistic standards needed to be clearly spelled out for this
employee and reinforced with a strict three week paid holiday suspension."
--More to follow--
--BW Schulz, Editor in Chief
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Software
Engineer - Active Pilot License With Private Plane Desired
Must not have current IRS Tax Penalties
(Lincoln, California) -
March 2010
Recent vacancy needs to be filled. Job requirements include writing software code, proof
of filing annual Federal tax returns, and paying off student loans for your now useless
Engineering Degree in the ruined, worthless, corrupted US economy controlled by Big
Brother. Can not have burned down your own house. Private plane required for
commuting to out of state clients a must but not flying into Federal Buildings preferred.
Job requirements include being alive. Fax resume/ political manifesto to Department
of Homeland Security or FBI.
Corporate
Diagnosis: Does Your Company Suck?
(Las Vegas, NV, USA) July 2010
Let's be brutally honest; you're not up for Employer of the Year here. Your corporate
morale is equal to that of a platoon of Japanese soldiers sealed inside a cave on Iwo Jima
waiting for the Marines to finally put a sweet end to their misery with a nine second
blast from a flame thrower. At least half of your staff downs a mix of powerful
prescription antidepressants just so they can contort their faces into a death grimace and
mutter 'morning' to one another while the other half pops handfuls of tranquilizers all
day long just to keep from jumping out of their office windows or beginning their commute
with the garage door closed, the car running. Your health care deductibles are through the
roof. Sick days are maxed out. Fake working is rampant.
The smell of cordite
is practically already in the office air. Employees wish that someone would fly a plane
into your building and hoping that it will be while you're all in it. The boss throws
bipolar tantrums and threatens firings for the slightest infractions like being a minute
late. Legal costs exceed bonuses. You've received bomb threats, death threats, and someone
keyed all the company cars.
Employees drag themselves through the workday like their brains were
shot full of Botox. The conclusion is simple: Your Company Sucks. Your business
model is totally dysfunctional. Everyone is in charge but no one is responsible.
You're surrounded and cajoled by sycophants. Employees scheme against one another. Your
staff absolutely loathes your clients, and your clients hate you, your services, and your
products.
Pause a moment, though, before you jerk the steering wheel of your
Mercedes into a reinforced freeway cement pylon to induce a lethal, off center front-end
impact (Princess Di style.) Repeat these words to clear your atrophied, or likely absent
conscience: my company sucks, my company sucks... For the devote, lay prostrate on a
carpet three times a day facing east and repeat those words: my company sucks, my company
sucks... Realize that your employees on a simply base human level, completely hate you,
and working for you. They go to sleep at night dreaming that your private jet will snap
off its port wing and send you into a terror plunge; one only exceeded by the hellish free
fall that follows as your loosed soul plummets into a boiling lake of eternal fire and
damnation. So repeat often as needed, tapping your heels together: my company sucks, my
company sucks...
Why does the American economy suck? Because our companies suck.
A bottled water and 31 Valiums anyone?
--M.Moops, Corporate Therapist
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