Afghanistan
Government Claims US Gunship Killed Five Civilians
(Kabul, Afghanistan) -
August 2009
The Afghanistan Government is not the most
credible source of information or updates on the US led war there. This a country that has
as many books in it as my home library. Let's face us, they're morons; anyone stupid
enough to fall under the lead of the Taliban can't be that bright.
So when their central government claims
that the US killed 5 civilians in a botched military mission, I may come across as a
little skeptical. As the details of the story unfolds, their claims go from questionable
to laughable.
First the real story, from our unnamed
source at the Pentagon. A US gunship was patrolling rural areas at night using FLIR to
spot insurgents scampering about under the cover of darkness carrying out their evil
little deeds.
Spotting five human forms, the air crew
observed their actions and transmitted the images back to real time intelligence
experts. The conclusion, these 5 figures are terrorists, and authorization to fire
on the targets was agreed upon. Needless to say, the highly trained gunner didn't miss and
the targets were eliminated.
Now we get the report from Kabul.
Their claim is that some rogue American gunship flying wildly over the countryside, in
error killed 5 innocent civilians, 5 farmers, cucumber farmers the Afghan government said.
So I become a cucumber expert.
Where and how they grow, their water needs, nutritional requirements, and other critical
factors like temperature tolerances. I already know about Afghanistan. It is
three fourths mountain terrain, mostly at an altitude of 6000 to 7000 feet. The rest
of the country is mostly arid desert. The country's annual rainfall is less than 1 inch
per month.
As it turns out cucumbers hate the wild
temperature fluctuations that come with high altitudes. The plants don't thrive as night
temperatures plunge and then shoot up to extreme heat during the day light. I've lived and
fought in shitholes like this and its like trying to survive on the god damn moon.
Add in the almost total lack of rain, and a thirsty, water intensive plant like a cucumber
has no chance. It also needs very rich, composite soil, not fucking rocks and sand.
And then there is the cucumber farming
at night. I live in the rural farmlands of the American Midwest and I can tell you
that farmers start working when the Sun goes up, not down. What did these 5 idiots do,
watch Al-Jazeera Television all day, then pull a third shift at their cucumber farm?
Or could it be that the government in Kabul meant "terrorists" when they said
farmers, and "landmines" when they said cucumbers.
Either these 5 individuals that were
killed by fire from the US gunship were either Al-Queda insurgents, or they were the most
clever, revolutionary cucumber farmers on the planet. Either way, I'm not losing any
sleep at night.
 --CPL Von
Bock, War Correspondent
Afghanistan War Journals From the
Front Lines
(Rural Afghanistan) -
August 2009
My squad was on patrol the other day, and we run
into this local guy who has no plausible reason for being in that area on that particular
ridgeline. He keeps going on and on about that he was looking for a goat that ran away and
wouldn't budge from his story, despite the New York beating that the M203 gunner from
Brooklyn gave him.
I wanted to know if you raise goats, how
come you don't stink like a farm, huh? That's when he came up with some bullshit about how
he had just bathed and changed into clean clothes.
Yeah, like he has running water, no
Islamic hang-ups about being nude, and a washing machine with a bottle of extra strength
Tide and electricity in his fucking cave. At that point, the squad was getting hungry and
wanted to get back to our patrol base and he fell over the side off a 70 foot precipice,
so we headed out of the patrol area. What was weird though is that we saw a lone goat
wandering around on the way back to our camp. Life can be so ironic sometimes that it
makes you laugh.
--CPL Von
Bock, War Correspondent
Nations are Fragmenting
and Falling in to Useless Wars
(Prague, Chech Republic) -
August 2009
The world is still twisting from the political machinations of two, large-scale,
significant world wars. The all too often politically drawn maps that followed the
surrenders was marginally arbitrary at best and these strains on national identity and
unity continue to surface and affect regional stability all over the globe.
Old colonial interests, territorial
jealousies between victors, and a simmering need to redraft borders to punish the war's
losers are still affecting the world today, and appear to be extending past tension
ridden, artificially crafted national boundaries that in almost no cases, considered
grouping ethnic or religious enemies together.
And so from the late 1940's onward,
countries one after another have unraveled the national, political, religious, and ethnic
tangles left behind from the post surrender maps of the last two world wars, which also
precipitated the fall of our old world colonial empires. Usually this process has been
accomplished through violence, through armed rebellion, through military action, or
terrorist activities.
--more to follow--
Does Your IED Lack Identity?
(Baghdad, Iraq) -
February 2010
It's a question every bomb maker wrestles with; does my IED (Improvised Explosive Device)
or pipe bomb lack character? Does my thrown together anti-personnel mine have little
or no style? Is it just another lump of featureless Composition 4?
A terrorist who wishes to remained
unnamed (and my private security team, meow, killed him after the interview anyway)
recommended coming up with some sort of signature shrapnel to say, hey I'm a person with
needs too and I'm creative; and by adding something unique to your bomb, you can take
pride that after a few blasts, the enemy will get to know you not just as a cowardly
killer who makes anonymous bombs, but more of an artist.
After a while you might even get a cool
nickname like the Unabomber did. One note though, don't add in ten penny nails, that one
has already been used, so unless you're in the IRA, you'll need to find a different
shrapnel additive to give your IED its own identity. Hopefully this will bring some
bit of pride to your otherwise bleak, probably short-lived existence.
 --Mr. Moops, Terrorist Therapist (not licensed in Uganda or Liberia)
Cluster Bombs Retire the Enemy Early,
Retire Investors Wealthy
(Manhattan, NY, USA) -
August 2009
If your company doesn't make something that kills
people quickly and easier, thereby protecting American servicemen and women, I have no
interest in purchasing your stock. One of my favorites is Textron, who makes cluster
bombs, which are the hot new thing on today's battlefield. If you thought Napalm was
cool, you are going to really dig cluster bombs. They are shaped like regular bombs,
and their main casing opens up before hitting the ground, scattering hundreds of bomblets
over several acres, shredding everything in the kill zone. TXT is literally an explosive
stock, priced to blow you away.
 --Sr.
Trabajando, News Correspondent (not CIA)
President
Obama Announces United States Strategy Shift in Afghanistan War
(WhiteHouse, D.C., USA) November 2009
The operational tactics that have been used by US ground forces since the start of the
aerial bombing campaign in 2003 to loosen the Taliban grip on the Afghan government is
about to undergo a dramatic change over the remainder of the year, a Pentagon source
reports.
The President is
changing the ground force tactic from that centers on US soldiers using current
strongholds and firebase positions where they conduct combat foot patrols into surrounding
areas. The new strategy will employ troops in a tactic of patrolling to outlying villages
and then setting up a permanent presence there by occupying the outlying villages with
temporary combat patrol bases. The shift in the operational approach is one that the
President feels will discourage Taliban and Al-Quida soldiers from returning to villages
and intimidating local inhabitants once American patrols have moved on.
With no direct
correlation at this time, a Pentagon source reports US casualties have climbed 33%
this year, and since the new tactics began. Additionally, to support the change from the
strategy of patrolling to occupying, The President has deployed an additional 13,000
troops to support his military policy change. More ground troop deployments to Afghanistan
are expected well into 2010.
A central problem with
these new changes is that one of the basics principles of warfare is being compromised by
these announcements; that is :To Not broadcast your tactical intents to the enemy. We
understand the that public, and Congress, demands a certain level of disclosure by the
Commander in Chief regarding our involvement in foreign conflicts, but some details are
best left within the confines of the Joints Chief of Staff.
The terrorists are now
alerted of the upcoming occupation and have ample time to implant moles for intelligence
in the villages and IEDs on the trails and roads of approach, for attacks. The
announcements have blown the cover for the troops, who will now all be marching straight
down IED avenue in downtown Kabul.
This higher exposure of
ground troops to dangerous attacks is not the only course of action we can take. Based on
Predator drone intelligence gathering and satellite imaging, the Department of Defense
could concentrate ever increasing saturation bombing of remote areas shown no known
community or displaying signs of clandestine activity. In this way, if the policy is
wrong, we will have wasted American bombs, not our troops lives.
--CPL. Von
Bock, War Correspondent
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Texas Taxpayer Crashes
Plane Into IRS Offices: Posts Anti-IRS Manifesto
(Austin, Texas, USA) February 2010
A Texas man apparently upset over the Federal tax system took his own life and possibly
the lives of others when he flew his private plane into the building that houses an
Internal Revenue Service office in downtown Austin. Motivated in a MacVeigh-like way
to strike at the building of his alleged oppressors, Joe Stack changed his company website
into his own personal anti-government manifesto/ suicide note.
The website, which was quickly taken down by the FBI, was captured in time by the nerds on
the TWSEN IT staff. The nerd team examined the code and told me that Joe Stack,
apparently the crashed pilot, wrote the content yesterday around 7:30 PM CST and then
posted it on-line about twelve hours later, the morning of his plane crash into the office
building.
That probably was one long night for Joe Stack. For our readers though, we allow you
to decide. Below is a screen shot of the totally featureless website before the FBI
took it offline. For a software engineer, Stack sure didn't put much flare into his
last HTML code. He was likely preoccupied when he wrote it.
The image is linked to an Adobe PDF file that contains both Joe Stack's
anti-government letter, unaltered, typos and all, and then after those pages the computer
code that was used to serve his final words on this planet. Seriously, bloke, next time
use Turbo Tax, not a Turbo Prop to settle up with the Feds.
 --The Dan
Ryan, News Correspondent
Support our NATO Troops in Afghanistan and Iraq
Palestinians
Place Propaganda Advertisement in Small Town Newspaper
(Minneapolis,
MN, USA) February 2010
As the Bureau Chief for the TWSEN in the Middle East, I have an obligation to
bring attention to our readers, and our Government, any subversive Islamic advertisements,
recruiting tactics, militant websites or any other Intifada or Jihad propaganda news media
designed to incite borderline personalities to carry out violence against the US or on our
allies like Great Britain or in this case against the Nation of Israel.
Though I hold my Master's Degree in Television Viewing, I do not limit myself to only TV
broadcasts, I am always on the look out for new and clever ways that violent Muslims are
using to recruit new impressionable, young people who they then can try to deceive into
blowing themselves up in the name of Allah.While I am used to
finding lots of this sort of nonsense on-line, or hearing it preached in radical mosques,
or distributed by pamphlets, my latest uncovering right here in the American Midwest was
both shocking and disturbing. You'll read about it here first, in this TWSEN
exclusive.
A significantly sized advertisement was placed in a mainstream small town US newspaper
that featured "facts" that portray an expanding Israeli state. That this
increase in land is the result of pure greed, rather than in truth that their huge growth
as a nation was the result of them being attacked multiple times by the armies of
neighboring Arab countries, and after the Israeli's repelled these attacks, they held on
to some of the fought over terrain to use as a future buffer against more Arab attacks.
The PLO inspired advertisement uses every racially, emotionally charged word that they can
find throughout history to tear at the Israelis: Words like "Apartheid",
"Ethnic Cleansing", "Targeted Killings", and "Excessive use of
Force," are invoked to compare Jews to totally unrelated acts of violence elsewhere
in the world. Honestly, if they didn't lie to themselves about the Holocaust not taking
place, they would have surely used that term too.
This PLO charity also blasts the Jews with rhetoric over the protective border wall that
Israel constructed, comparing it to Totalitarian Communist GDR Berlin Wall. One minor
difference though, West Germans weren't firing Katyusha high explosive missiles into
civilian suburbs with no military significance or driving around in car bombs like the
Palestinians were doing. There is no valid comparison to why each wall was built.
To limit their recruiting and fund-raising efforts, I asked the Editor in Chief to have
the graphics art department blur out the phone numbers, mosque locations, and websites to
our readers. We aren't giving away free publicity, which is exactly what these groups
crave.
Below is an
image of the Arab Propaganda:
Islam's violent preachings are not to be taken lightly. Neither is the Palestinian's
Intifada, which is not directly or outright mentioned in the advertisement, but where it
does appear it certainly is never defined to the reader. If our readers are unfamiliar
with it, the first Intifada began in 1987 as a violent uprising against the state of
Israel by Palestinians. The Intifada has ranged in violence from throwing rocks at
military police to wearing dynamite vests on board buses full of Jewish students and
commuters and detonating the bombs.
Robert Frost once wrote that "Good fences make good neighbors." And with
neighbors like Hamas and the PLO, you'd better believe that we would build a wall around
these maniacs too. Islam is far from the peace loving religion that is so often
tiredly repeated over and over again to Americans in order to wear down their resistance
and let down their guard to this hate fueled philosophy of life.
I've read both the Bible and Koran, and only the latter calls for the outright murder of
persons of a different faith. They don't do much of that turning of the other cheek
thing either, they're more into blowing themselves up in a crowd of innocent people. And
while the Bible doesn't explicitly prohibit suicide, the Koran does.
That's right, the Koran explicitly prohibits suicide as a sin. Given that so
many Arabs have already taken their own lives along with other's peoples lives too, which
also is prohibited in the books of both faiths, it serves as an interesting insight into
the hypocrisy of their belief systems.
So if you do reject all this rational factual argument and wish to support Palestine with
a donation, be very, very careful who you send your money to. When a charitable
organization is linked to a terrorist one, even the donors can find themselves in very
serious trouble with the FBI. So it sounds to me like the check is already in the
mail on this one.
--Mr. Moops,
Bureau Chief Middle East
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